In defense of satire: a list

Dear NI Reader,

If you've read any of my columns in the last several months (which I assume you haven't), then you've undoubtedly read about Facebook shutting down, or my interview with a Call of Duty addict or my night spent drinking with Jesus.

You may have even read my moral tale about clogging a toilet and telling the truth.  Now, I know what you're thinking: "How does he get away with writing about crap like that?" (Pun intended)

To tell the truth ... nobody knows for sure. I can, however, outline a few reasons why I think I do.

1. People enjoy slanted news.  For instance, The Daily Show's Jon Stewart reported that "More Americans get their news from The Daily Show than any other nationality."

I might add that 80 percent of statistics are made up on the spot. Just ask any weatherman.

2. Satire cuts deep without much bleeding.  As a wannabe satirist, I find that satire gives me the ability to slice open a controversial issue without seriously harming any individuals. 

In my Facebook article, I quoted Gina Hayber, a fake student, as unnecessarily using the word "like" five times in four sentences. Of course, like, we all know a few girls who, like, talk like Ms. Hayber. Why, though, should I have to publicly humiliate just one to prove my point about a much larger societal flaw: our declining communication skills? 
 
A man much greater than myself once said, "Do not try to remove a log from your neighbor's eye by poking him with your finger; give him a mirror and he'll poke himself in the eye."  For me, satire acts as the mirror.

3. Laughter is the best medicine.  Now, I don't have any empirical evidence to back that one up, but how much time can you really spend stressed out about school or work when you're bent over, drooling from laughter?

4. Satire allows writers to write the unwritten stories.  In December, The Onion reported that, "According to recently excavated clay tablets inscribed with cuneiform script, thousands of Sumerians — the first humans to establish systems of writing, agriculture and government — were working on their sophisticated irrigation systems when the Father of All Creation reached down from the ether and blew the divine spirit of life into their thriving civilization." 

The story ended with this quote about Adam and Eve:

"These two people made in (God's) image do not know how to communicate, lack skills in both mathematics and farming, and have the intellectual capacity of an infant," one Sumerian philosopher wrote. "They must be the creation of a complete idiot."

What are the chances of that same story being written if the writer could only use factual information and legitimate sources?  Slim-to-none — that's what!

5. The Northern Iowan is a college newspaper. Meaning that the NI is staffed by a bunch of snot-nosed, good-for-nothing college students, most of whom are just starting to experiment with their writing styles and (dare I say?) "learning something in the process." 

Another great man by the name of Joe or Jesus or Jerome or something like that once said, "Life is a garden; dig it." 

Never have truer words been spoken, for how can we uncover life's buried treasures if we perpetually dig the same hole?  Or, how can we conquer our fear of darkness if we're afraid to step out of the Son's glorious light? 

And finally...

6. Writing makes me feel better about myself.  Yes, I'll admit, I'm a sad, depressed little man. But my doctor refuses to prescribe me Prozac because I'm "just mad at the world." 

So, I write to battle my frustrations, to slay my brown dragons. And when the feeling of satisfaction wears away, I write another article. Maybe I'm addicted?  Maybe I digress?  Anyhow, that concludes my rant for the week.  Until next time, keep your stick on the ice