He said, she said: Relationship advice
Published: Monday, September 19, 2011
Updated: Monday, September 19, 2011 13:09
My boyfriend forgot to log out of his Facebook and I noticed he had been messaging a random girl I didn't know and was being overly flirty with her, saying she's cute and that he wishes she lived closer. I confronted him about the messages and he said she's just a friend and nothing has ever happened with her. Even though supposedly nothing has happened, is that still a form of cheating? Because it hurts just as much.
Out of all possible dangerous words to use as far as relationships go, cute is towards the top of the list. Cute is safe. Cute is positive. Cute is very hard to misinterpret. It says that you are physically attracted while not going fully overboard. Generally it's a starter adjective, working its way towards the big winners like beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, etc. Now I'm not trying to stir some sort of panic in you, but in my experience, using words like cute never has pure intentions.
Is talking to another person cheating, even while using words like cute? No, not entirely. However, it is most certainly a concern. Even if you are just trying to build a 100 percent platonic relationship, behavior as you have described is, for lack of a better term, sketchy.
Don't get me wrong – I'm all for independence within a relationship and both should be allowed to simply converse with other people outside that relationship. In fact, I think contact with people of the same sex as your partner is almost essential so long as things stay in control. It can really give you sense of bearing and provide perspective you might not have had before. Within that, you have to maintain control. Innocent flirting such as this can lead to a major clustercuss.
Bottom line, you could possibly be being played right now. Have solid evidence to go on before coming to that full on conclusion, but actions like these tend not to end well. Ask for honesty from your partner and make it clear that you are uncomfortable with developments such as this. Is it cheating? No, but it is potentially one step away from it.
I've found that in these situations, it's always best to step back, take a deep breath and collect your thoughts before doing anything irrational. The possible threat of another girl coming in the middle of the relationship is something that I think a lot of women deal with, whether or not it actually happens. Sometimes we just have those suspicions – call it intuition – that make us feel like something just isn't right.
I don't think this is technically a form of cheating, although it has the potential to turn into that. Saying she's cute? He wishes she lived closer? For what, so they can play Yahtzee together? Maybe she's just a friend now, but personally, talking to another girl about how good she looks doesn't necessarily sound like a normal conversation between friends.
I understand how you could feel like this hurts as bad as being cheated on — it's hard to know your boyfriend has a friendship with a girl behind your back. It'd be different if he were up front with you about it and talked to you about her – that way she wouldn't be such a secret. But finding out about her because he accidentally left his Facebook up is definitely not the way it should have gone down.
I suppose, on the other hand, maybe he was just afraid that if you knew about her, you'd overreact.
Don't accuse him of cheating/doing anything wrong just yet. Just tell him how the messages make you feel and that you'd be more comfortable if he didn't keep his friendships a secret. That way, you will know you have nothing to worry about. Tell him that you want to be more involved with his life, know about his friends and make them yours, too. Just be patient and wait to see how it unfolds. Maybe we're both wrong and it really is just a harmless friendship — if so, he will have no problem letting you in.