He said, she said: Relationship advice

Q: Where do you draw the line between friends and “friends with benefits?”

He said:

The friend zone is one delicate stage. Sometimes you benefit from breaking out of it; sometimes leaving it can end in pure disaster. If you don’t want the friend zone broken, this is where I draw the line: intention. Friends with benefits are almost always born out of bad intentions.  No matter how you slice it, someone is getting used.

I have nothing against being physical as friends. If you’re trying to draw the line, don’t completely shun hugs and kisses from friends. This seems really obvious, but anything more than that is drifting into friends with benefits territory.

Wandering hands, prolonged kissing and any type of sexual activity is a surefire warning sign that this may be drifting into friends with benefits territory.

Many people feel that they need a sexual release or just a guilt-free way to do things they normally can’t, and turning to a friends with benefits situation is logical, but eventually someone gets hurt.

Let’s build a scenario, shall we? Two great friends start becoming more sexually active with each other in very small doses. In time, the friendship dissolves and the relationship is merely based on physical pleasure.

Eventually, one of the friends grows tired of meeting up just to make out or have sex. The other person is clearly content with the situation because they are getting what they what. At the end of the story, you find two good friends going separate ways because they were just a little frisky with each other.
 
Now, not every single situation plays out exactly like that (I’d be making a lot more money if I could predict things this accurately). The bottom line is to not let physical pleasure corrode an otherwise stable friendship. Be careful and know that you must draw the line physically to prevent any kind of sexual collateral damage.

She said:

By asking “where do you draw the line” do you mean what defines a friend and what defines a friend with whom you have “benefits”? Or do you mean what’s acceptable to do with someone who is just a friend?

The answer to the first question is actually really obvious. The difference between a friend and a friend with benefits is this: if you partake in any sexual acts, on more than one occasion, without the emotional ties of a relationship, then you can probably consider yourselves friends with benefits. And I don’t think I have to describe to you the definition of a friend. We all have our own definition of what a “friend” is.

If you’re looking for an answer to the second question, the answer lies within yourself. The truth is that only you can be the judge of what’s acceptable. Don’t look to what society says as a guide to how you live your life.

If you and a friend want to fool around, so be it. If the both of you can come to an agreement to keep it unemotional and remain on a “friendship” level, then I say it’s perfectly okay.

However, let me take this opportunity to tell you that if the two of you aren’t on the same page, it will completely ruin things. You can’t just be “friends with benefits” with someone who wants more.

It will break the heart of the person who wants to take the relationship past friends, and it will complicate things for the person who wishes to keep it purely physical.

Basically, having a friend with benefits can complicate things. Although it’s perfectly okay to do for some people, it’s probably not healthy for it to become a way of life. You need to ask yourself what’s best for you. When it comes to decisions such as this one, they can’t be made by anyone but you.

If you have a relationship question for Anthony and Katie, send your question to northern-iowan@uni.edu.